PLAY #315: IT’S NOTHING (NOV 3)

Ireland, a bedroom.

FERDINAND is attaching lemon-nipples to an oceanic Halloween costume.

TOM looks on.

 

FERDINAND

Too much?

 

TOM

Never.

 

FERDINAND

Right answer.

 

TOM

You’re a mermaid?

 

FERDINAND

No!

 

TOM

Ursula?

 

FERDINAND

I’m ocean acidification!

 

TOM

Of course. The Lemons.

 

FERDINAND

Ph of the sea is rising out of control.

 

TOM

It’s terrifying.

 

FERDINAND

Absolutely! I mean, there’s no point dressing up for Halloween unless you’re going to be something actually terrifying and I thought what is more terrifying than ocean acidification? I mean, there’s capitalism and climate change, I guess, but this seemed a less likely candidate, plus I get to use all these shells and sequins and actually, when you think of the things you should be scared of, it’s always the things you least suspect and I do think it’s terrifying that the ocean can be so huge – like, 90% of it unknown to humans – and still we’re capable of fucking up its chemical balance. What?

 

FERDINAND looks at TOM.

TOM looks back – there are so many things he’s thinking, from ‘I love you’ to ‘I wish we could have one night not talking about climate change’ so what he says is:

 

TOM

Nothing. It’s nothing.

 

FERDINAND continues to get ready.

TOM watches.

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