PLAY #58: AUDITIONS FOR THE APOCALYPSE (JAN 27)

Several plastic chairs outside a door which has a sign on it: ‘AUDITIONS FOR THE APOCALYPSE’.

CLIMATE sits and waits, patient.

WEATHER strides in, a perfect storm of look at me!

 

WEATHER

Darling!

 

CLIMATE

Oh, hi!

 

WEATHER and CLIMATE embrace, sit down.

 

WEATHER

Phew! Glad I made it, I’m just finished playing Juno.

 

CLIMATE

How did it go?

 

WEATHER

Great! Well, I suppose there were some changes to the script. You know how it goes, they really toned down her role when it came to the performance. I was all prepared for Juno to be a history-making villain, the badass who avenges that horrible husband of hers, a Snow Queen with no remorse, but…you know, they’re always tinkering with our scripts.

 

CLIMATE

Yeah.

 

WEATHER

I had this great idea where Juno completely covers Times Square, all the advertisements, all the tourists, all the cop cars…

 

CLIMATE

One day.

 

WEATHER

Totally.

 

Pause.

 

WEATHER

How’s business for you?

 

CLIMATE

Steady.

 

WEATHER

Great!

 

Pause.

 

CLIMATE

I suppose it can feel a bit slow sometimes.

 

WEATHER

Nature of the business. Especially when your genre’s more art-house.

 

CLIMATE

Yeah.

(beat.)

But I guess I’m waiting for more people to notice.

 

WEATHER

I know. I was hoping Juno would get you some exposure, I’d have been happy to share the credit, once people understood that I was responsible for the dramatic stuff.

 

CLIMATE

Thank you. But…I guess that’s part of the problem.

 

WEATHER

I’m sorry?

 

CLIMATE

Well, I love watching your work, don’t get me wrong-

 

WEATHER

Everybody loves my work.

 

CLIMATE

But sometimes it feels like it’s hard to get cast when you’re around-

 

WEATHER

I made the Weather Channel what it is-

 

CLIMATE

It’s hard for people to focus on incremental changes-

 

WEATHER

Nobody would know who you were if it wasn’t for me!

 

CLIMATE

Don’t think I’m not grateful. I just worry that people have short attention spans, they focus on storms and temperatures from day to day and they use what you’re doing as a way to ignore me. Like Juno wasn’t as big of a deal as they said she would be, so all this catastrophic change can’t be real. Or the world can’t be warming when there’s so much snow.

(beat.)

Like I’m doing all this work, really this monumental never seen before type work, and I guess I just need to find the right vehicle to present to the world. Like maybe Boyhood is introducing a new model – you look at each part and it’s so much less than the whole. But over the span of the twelve years, you can see that Patricia Arquette is doing some really subtle stuff.

 

WEATHER

Yeah, Patricia Arquette, she’s really a viable model for a sustainable career. Stigmata is a forgotten classic.

 

CLIMATE

But if you look at it from beginning to end, you see how things have changed, sometimes while you weren’t even noticing. And I suppose I need to find a way of showing people what I’m doing so-

 

WEATHER

I don’t steal your thunder!

 

CLIMATE

Sort of.

 

WEATHER gets all worked up.

 

WEATHER

I am thunder! I am flood and fire and hail and stones! I’ve been bringing my work to the world for years and just because I’ve thrown a little stuff in your direction, don’t think you’ll be stealing my crown. You’re pathetic. All the opportunities that have come your way to make a break in the last few years and you’ve ruined them all. You can’t even make ice-melting dramatic!

 

WEATHER stands, walks into the room for auditions, swivels.

 

WEATHER

Just remember who’s the star here – nobody put weather in the corner!

 

WEATHER is gone.

CLIMATE sighs.

CLIMATE sits and waits.

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