PLAY #31: LAST WORDS (DEC 31)

The roof of an apartment building in Dublin.

Two lovers in their late twenties at a party on New Year’s Eve.

 

TOM

We’ll miss the big event.

 

FERDINAND

Hopefully.

 

TOM

God, even the smokers can’t be fucked coming up here it’s so cold.

(beat.)

So did you drag me out here to have your wicked way with me one last time in 2014?

 

FERDINAND

You should be so lucky.

(beat.)

I have to figure out my first words of the year.

 

TOM

How about ‘Happy New Year?’ Or ‘I love you, Tom.’ Or ‘Come here, you dirty fecker, and take off those jeans-’

 

FERDINAND

I’m serious. Every year, everybody says the same last words at the end of the year: ‘three two one.’ And then they start the next year with the same first word: ‘Happy.’

 

TOM

Better than ‘miserable.’ Or Auld Lang Syne. Same thing, really.

 

FERDINAND

It’s boring to say the same empty thing as everybody else on the planet. And terrible energy.

 

TOM

People do speak languages other than English, you know.

 

FERDINAND

It’s the sentiment that’s important, not the sounds. You have to embrace the changing of time with your intentions for the next year.

 

TOM

Am I going to wish I was more drunk for this conversation?

 

FERDINAND

I know that I want to say something about climate change.

 

TOM

Yes, the answer is always yes.

 

TOM takes a long slug from a beer bottle.

 

FERDINAND

The question is what. What specific intent do I have for the year?

 

TOM

So the idea is that you speak and something happens?

 

FERDINAND

(smiling)

Yeah. Just like God making the world, you know yourself.

 

TOM

Or Bruce Forsythe on The Generation Game.

 

FERDINAND

You’re not helping. This happens every year. I totally forget about it and then I panic and then I’m paralyzed. One year I didn’t speak for several days.

 

TOM

I can’t imagine you speechless.

 

FERDINAND

Okay, several minutes then, it’s not the facts that are important here, it’s the feeling, starting the New Year with the right attitude.

 

TOM

What did you say last year?

 

FERDINAND

…I can’t remember.

 

TOM

You were probably too excited about meeting me.

 

FERDINAND

Probably something about the Water Charges. Or fracking. And they’ve just banned it in New York State.

 

TOM

You should take a bow.

 

FERDINAND

It’s good momentum. There’s so much stuff to build on – all the protests about water, connecting that to climate change, putting pressure on the government building up to Paris, starting some sort of divestment movement in Ireland, Shell to Sea, building alliances…

 

TOM

I don’t know. Well, you have a bit over a minute. Maybe we could talk about Pope Francis. He has that new thing he’s bringing out next year, the Mammy was telling me about it. She’s looking out for you, you know.

 

FERDINAND

Until the Pope lets me fuck you freely, he can fuck right off. Or until he apologizes for the Churches’ role in spreading AIDS across the world. Or until he-

 

TOM

So you don’t imagine these words as part of a conversation? More of a pronouncement to the world.

 

FERDINAND

A statement of intent for the spirit. It should be collectively organized, of course, it would be better if this was like goal-brainstorming at work-

 

TOM

Couldn’t you do it at work?

 

FERDINAND

Getting people to work together at an NGO is harder than UN climate negotiations.

 

TOM

Thirty seconds.

 

FERDINAND

It’s just about me. What I want to do in the world this year. As a small cog working in solidarity with other cogs. Except not a cog. Something less capitalist. Something nature-y. You’re the scientist!

 

TOM

A bee. Wasp? Fifteen seconds!

 

FERDINAND

And if everybody did it, it would be something.

 

TOM

You think we’ll see the fireworks? Hear the foghorns?

 

FERDINAND

That’s something to wish for.

 

TOM

Five. Four. Three. Two.

 

Blackout.

The sound of fireworks.

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