PLAY #21: BREAKING UP WITH BATMAN (DEC 21)

Batman’s mansion.

Silver gadgets and black leather furniture.

Expensive things to work out on.

 

ROBIN is packing a bag.

BATMAN enters.

 

BATMAN

Dude, what’s going on?

 

ROBIN

I didn’t think you’d be home.

 

BATMAN

All your shit’s gone from your closet. I mean, I’m not going to mourn those bow ties and Christmas sweaters but, dude, what are you doing?

 

ROBIN

I’m breaking up with you, Batman.

 

BATMAN

You can’t break up with a superhero.

 

ROBIN shrugs: can’t he?

BATMAN is in the shocked stage: he pours a drink.

 

BATMAN

Why?

 

ROBIN

Is it really that surprising, we haven’t had a proper conversation in months?

 

BATMAN

You know me: I’m more of a fighter than a talker.

 

ROBIN

That’s part of the problem – I want to do good in the world.

 

BATMAN is in the delusional stage: he pours ROBIN a drink and walks over.

 

BATMAN

This again. Babe, you are doing good. We’re doing good every night. Saving the city from scum.

 

ROBIN

That’s what you like to tell yourself.

 

BATMAN ruffles ROBIN’s hair.

 

BATMAN

Babe, I love all your conscience stuff. But you’re being such a bad boy, trying to escape – maybe I’ll need to whip out some new toys to keep your ass in line.

 

ROBIN

No amount of S&M in the world can make me stay. I’m leaving.

 

BATMAN is in the angry stage: he laughs.

 

BATMAN

Dude, what the fuck are you going to do without me?

 

ROBIN

I’m rebranding myself.

 

BATMAN

What as Spiderman’s buttboy? Newsflash: spidey’s senses ain’t never going to tingle for your ass.

 

ROBIN

At least he has some powers: all you’ve got is a fancy car and a lot of leather.

 

BATMAN

And what are you going to do? Save the world on your bicycle?

 

ROBIN

I’m returning to the roots of my name. Robin of the hood: he who takes from the rich and gives to the poor.

 

BATMAN

Plenty of opportunity for kinky sex once I throw your ass in jail.

 

ROBIN ignores BATMAN, excited about his mission now.

 

ROBIN

I’m going to be Robin Clause. There’s a gap in the market for a new, dynamic, holiday hero. Especially one who understands the renewables’ market. I’ve got a solar paneled sleigh and instead of creeping about down coal-chutes at night, I’ll be distributing solar panels and wind turbines around the world. I’m thinking a bit of red and green for the colors, you know, to show my influences. Look, I got some of the theme here-

 

ROBIN shows BATMAN a card.

BATMAN is in the very sad stage: he slumps down on one of his many leather couches.

 

BATMAN

You’re for real.

 

ROBIN

Yeah.

 

BATMAN

You don’t need a partner in crime?

 

ROBIN

I think I need to feel out how it is to be alone for a while.

 

ROBIN sits down beside BATMAN.

 

ROBIN

Don’t get me wrong, babe, I’m grateful. I mean, all this has been fantastic. But I’m tired of going to fancy parties and speeding around the city-

 

BATMAN

Is this about all that climate change stuff again? I can look into an electric car, it’s just they don’t-

 

ROBIN

No. It’s not about that. Well, it is about that but that’s one part of something else, something bigger, and I can’t ignore it any more, the difference between us. You want to live in the world in a way that I don’t.

 

BATMAN

This is all that Occupy bullshit again. It’s not my fault that I’m rich.

 

ROBIN

It’s not bullshit. And I told you, I don’t blame you for inheriting money but…

 

BATMAN

You do blame me for keeping it.

beat.

I paid for half the shit in that bag, you know.

 

ROBIN

Keep it then. I don’t need anything. But I can’t cuddle up beside somebody anymore whose way of being in the world conflicts with everything I want to be fighting against.

beat.

Even if he does have the best pecs in the city.

 

BATMAN and ROBIN kiss, ROBIN breaks away after a little bit.

 

BATMAN

Bye, babe.

 

ROBIN

Bye, Bruce.

 

ROBIN leaves.

BATMAN is alone with his silver gadgets, unsure if the saddest thing is that ROBIN left or that he called him ‘Bruce.’

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